Quick Reference
Here's the pattern at a glance:
When [something specific happens], I feel [emotion word], because I need [universal need]. Would you be willing to [specific, doable request]?
Example: "When plans change at the last minute, I feel unsettled, because I need predictability. Would you be willing to give me more notice when possible?"
What is This?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of expressing yourself that helps you say what you mean without accidentally blaming, criticizing, or shutting down the conversation. It was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg.
The Four Parts
1. What Happened (Observation)
Start with the facts - what you actually saw or heard. Keep it neutral, like you're describing what a camera would capture.
Instead of: "You never listen to me" Try: "When I was sharing about my day and you picked up your phone..."
2. How You Feel (Feeling)
Name the emotion. Use actual feeling words - sad, anxious, frustrated, relieved, hurt - not thoughts disguised as feelings.
Instead of: "I feel like you don't care" Try: "I feel hurt and disconnected..."
3. What You Need (Need)
Connect your feeling to a need. These are universal things all humans need - connection, respect, autonomy, safety, understanding, rest, meaning.
Example: "...because I need to feel heard and connected with you."
4. What You're Asking For (Request)
Make a clear, specific ask. Say what you want, not what you don't want. And keep it optional - a request, not a demand.
Instead of: "Stop ignoring me" Try: "Would you be willing to put your phone away when we're talking about something important?"
Putting It Together
Here's how the full pattern sounds:
When plans change at the last minute, I feel unsettled, because I need predictability and consideration. Would you be willing to give me more notice when possible?
Try It Yourself
Think of a recent situation where you felt frustrated or hurt.
Create Your NVC Statement
Fill in the fields below to practice the pattern.
A Few Things to Keep in Mind
NVC isn't about getting people to do what you want. It's about being honest while staying connected - even when you disagree.
This can be helpful for:
- Navigating conflict with a partner
- Setting boundaries with family
- Expressing needs at work
- Being kinder to yourself when things are hard
Learn More
If you want to go deeper, check out Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
